I AM MOANA… IN POCAHONTAS

This reflection is a letter addressed to my granddaughter, Emily Hay, who recently took part in POCAHONTAS2024 presented by Elna van der Walt School of Ballet.

To my dearest beloved Boo

Thank you so very much for filling my heart to overflow with the delight of unconditional love and humble gratitude.  I am so proud of you for your beautiful ballet performance and I am so profoundly grateful to be your Nana.  In my eyes you were not only the prettiest butterfly, but the prettiest ballerina on stage.  This was also exactly what your OumagrootjieMakkie and OumaDalene, who travelled all the way from Ladysmith for the show, expressed to me afterwards.  I can only hope and pray that every ballerina in the show had at least one Nana/Granny/Ouma/Oumagrootjie in the audience feeling the same way about them as the three of us did about you.  You are only four years old and this performance was your stage debut, but contrary to your novice status, you danced with the grace and poise of a confident, experienced dancer.  Even JuffrouElna commented on how beautifully you bloomed on stage and she stated that she is very proud of you.

Our AssieTribe’s journey with Elna van der Walt School of Ballet started twenty years ago (in 2004) when your mommy and aunty Jess made their stage debut as dancers and your uncle Daniel and uncle Jack made their stage debut as cast members in another beautiful production, CURTAIN UP.  I can still distinctly remember how your uncle Jack charmed the audience with his heart-melting smile and then, on the night OupaAssie and I watched the show, he went completely off-script by blowing kisses to the audience before leaving the stage.  Two years ago (in 2022), you and I enrolled for baby ballet classes.  The very special classes for little tots and their mommies (in your case, your Nana).  You were not even two years old at the time, but every Monday night you and I would go to the studio.  At first, you reluctantly took part only in some of the activities, but by the end, you confidently did everything except the thank-you-curtsy at the end of every lesson.  You preferred, instead, to hang upside down on the bar like a cute little monkey during that part, but would joyfully let go upon JuffrouElna’s call to fetch goodbye-candy from her.  That year, the studio presented a production of THE GREATEST SHOWMAN, and although the baby ballerinas were too little to take part, your mommy and uncle Daniel made a comeback to the stage as actors.  They were brilliant and, as their mom, I was so very proud of them.  Your mommy was also cast in POCAHONTAS as an actor, and again, I was so very proud of her.  The following year (last year) you partook in a ballet exhibition and I got the opportunity to make your bun.  Although, at the time, almost forty years had passed since I made my own ballet bun with a hair-donut, I was still able to make yours practically perfect, if I may say so myself….{with a shy, blushing smile}  For Pocahontas, JuffrouElna gave clear instructions to NOT use a hair-donut, and at first, I had to make every effort to override my OCD perfectionism.  I watched JuffrouElna’s helpful HOW TO (make a bun with loads of La Pebra, without a donut) video and it took me a few tries, but eventually I nailed it with reasonable success.  

A few days ago I rewatched your mommy’s video of your dancing at last year’s exhibition and my heart swelled (NOT the cardiomegaly or hypertrophic cardiomyopathy kind) with brilliantly-detailed-yet-inexplicable love.  I believe that our Lord intentionally blessed grandmothers, not only with the ability to feel the detailed brilliance, but also to display it in 8K XUHD (the cutting edge technology at the time of this writing).  However, I want you to understand that mothers have the ability to feel the exact same detailed brilliance as grandmothers, but due to their calling to faithfully fulfil just about any profession under the sun while raising their children, attaining even 4K UHD could prove to be reasonably impossible most of the time.  So, my sweetheart, I want you to know that your mommy loves you in the most brilliant detail, but there will be days when her mom-superpower will run low on fuel and her love may appear as HD or even SD and I need you to just cut her some slack then.  It is a fuel-issue, not a love-issue.  It is my heartfelt prayer that, while you still reside in the same city as OupaAssie and I, that in times where her fuel is low, He will allow your mommy’s love for you to be displayed on my 8K XUHD.  Please ask your Pappa to explain the technology to you and ask him to please keep it appropriately updated, in accordance with technological advances.

I remembered how your cousin Micah {I know that you know that he is your cousin, but not everyone reading this might know that} came with us to baby ballet class on a few occasions and how much he charmed the little girls, just like his uncle Jack did many years ago.  He was just three years old at the time and JuffrouElna so graciously extended compassion to a little boy who had just lost his mommy to brain cancer and who just wanted to be with his NanaMommy.  JuffrouElna understood how painful the process of grieving the loss of a close loved one can be, her beloved lifetime-soulmate-husband passed away from Covid19 not long before.  My sweetheart, I want you to know that we, indeed, have a choice about celebrating LIFE and that we should do so as often as we can, because DEATH is a guaranteed, non-optional part of LIFE.  Thank you for role-playing with Micah, even when you always get to be the mommy who dies of brain cancer.  Don’t be scared about it, because it doesn’t implicate any aspect of your LIFE.  He uses play to process the DEATH of his mommy, TannieCarli, so that he can find closure and embrace TannieChanré as his mommy.  Remember what I said about cutting your mommy some slack?  All of us need to cut TannieChanré lots more slack to develop and refine her own mom-superpower, because TannieCarli’s DEATH is now a part of her LIFE too and the two of them will never even get to meet on this side of eternity.  Did you know that TannieChanré was also an enrolled student of JuffrouElna’s and that she also danced on stage in various productions?  Did you see the sparkle in her eyes every time she applied your stage makeup?  I noticed it and she did an awesome job, because you looked beyond beautiful!

On Saturday afternoon while sitting in the theatre watching POCAHONTAS, so many thoughts rushed through my mind.  Truth be told, I have never watched the Disney movie POCAHONTAS, because as you already know, I am more of a MULAN/MOANA kind of girl.  Then, during the performance of POCAHONTAS, the song I AM MOANA played and I couldn’t help but smile.  Of course, the word MOANA was purposefully edited out in the song.  Everybody knows that MOANA does not FIT INTO the story of POCAHONTAS, but on that stage, MOANA BELONGED in POCAHONTAS.  I watched how girls of distinctly different ages, shapes, sizes and appearances had the opportunity to be adored by an appreciative audience while dancing in spectacular costumes on stage.  My sweetheart, I want you to know that FITTING IN is not the same as BELONGING.  It is possible to FIT IN and BELONG, also to neither FIT IN nor BELONG.  And while it is possible to FIT IN and not BELONG, it is also possible to BELONG and not FIT IN.  The requirements for FITTING IN are based on what you look like, what you sound like and what you can do.  The requirements for BELONGING are based on who you are (your heart and character) and the ability of others to appreciate and embrace it.  FITTING IN is not a bad thing, it is just fleeting and temporary, because it depends on outer qualities, such as appearances and abilities which are transient.  Once you reach a point where you no longer look the same or you no longer sound the same or you can no longer do the same things, you will very likely no longer FIT IN, even when these changes are not the result of your choices.  Rather, seek BELONGING because it depends on deep inner qualities such as your heart and your character, over which you have decisive choices through the gift of free will.  BELONGING happens when you make deep connections with like-minded people who embrace your heart and character, irrespective of your outer qualities.  When you FIT IN, you might be popular, but when you BELONG, you will be loved.

At the end of this year, you will leave Saailand behind and embark on a brand new educational journey at Tjokkies.  Whether or not you choose to further pursue your ballet classes with JuffrouElna, I would like to take this opportunity to honour her for the invaluable impact she has made in your young life and the lives of others.  JuffrouElna is a kind, gentle-hearted, righteous woman who boldly professes AND lives her faith in Jesus Christ.  Her studio is celebrating its 40th anniversary this year, which means that she has been faithfully executing her calling to teach ballet to girls spanning 3 generations now.  She most certainly deserves all the applause and accolades in the spotlight on stage after every performance and so much more, but even the best version of that will always fall dismally short in defining her priceless value.  That which she imparts into young impressionable lives goes far beyond ballet.  She understands that LIFE is a gift from God and that DEATH is a certainty.  She also understands that LIFE can be full of unspeakably cruel pain and suffering and that DEATH is the crossing over of the eternity threshold into an eternal perfect LIFE with God.  JuffrouElna personifies integrity (doing the right thing even when nobody is watching) and her solid, substantial legacy will, undoubtedly, outlive her by an indeterminably long time.  Cherish the example she has set for you, because it so beautifully aligns with the same faith your Mommy, Pappa, Nana, OupaAssie, OupaLewis, OumaDalene, Makkie & OupaBroodjie are attempting to model to you. 

I would like to conclude with the following thoughts.  I love you immeasurably much, you will always both FIT IN and BELONG in my heart.  But I have many human shortcomings, I will fail and disappoint you at times and it will break my heart because it will never be my intention to do so.  Even at four years old, you have observed how some of my changing outer qualities have caused me to not FIT INTO the picture of a young grandmother and you have observed my fulfilment from BELONGING, despite my changing outer qualities.  There is, however, one most important thing at which I would really like to not fail you in and that is to point you to our Redeemer, Jesus Christ.  Following Him is not just something you do to FIT IN, it defines your whole being and it guarantees your ultimate BELONGING in a Kingdom which will last forever.  So, while we journey together on this broken side of eternity, life is like a production of POCAHONTAS.  Sometimes you will be POCAHONTAS and you will FIT IN and other times you will be MOANA/MULAN/BELLE/ARIEL/NALA/ELSA in POCAHONTAS, and depending on who is directing the production, you might also BELONG or not.  The point is, irrespective of which character you are, find a production of POCAHONTAS where you can BELONG.

Currently I AM MOANA… IN POCAHONTAS, but I BELONG, and it is my heartfelt prayer that you, too, will find BELONGING until such a time that you cross over the threshold of eternity and BELONG forever!

With all my love

Your Nana

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo