HER WOULD’VE BEEN 30TH ON THE 30TH…


This year, all the babies born in 1995 turn 30 years old.  Most of them will consider this birthday to be a magnificent milestone of maturity, almost like a rite of passage into the prime stage of their lives.  Most of their parents will double-check the math, because 1995 was just the other day….  I am one of those parents.  Both my beloved eldest daughter, Annie, and my beloved daughter-in-love, Carli, were born in 1995.  Carli on this very day and Annie on the very first day of Spring.

I have rewritten this reflection more times than I care to count, because I find it really difficult.  Although Carli passed away 38 months and 5 days ago, it is still just as hard for me to write about her as it was when I wrote and delivered her eulogy.

I find myself trying to imagine Carli on her 30th birthday.  What would she have looked like today if brain cancer never hijacked her life and maimed her body?  Would her hair be long or short, blonde or brunette?  Would she have manicured hands and pedicured feet or not?  Would she have a large themed costume party or a small intimate dinner party or would she opt for no party at all?  I don’t know.  In my mind’s eye, I see Daniel’s beautiful barefoot bride, I see Micah’s mindful model mommy and I see the radiance of her cute smile reflected in her sparkling eyes.  But… I also remember her tears, her pain, her suffering, her cruel metamorphosis and her sorrow.  

Cancer glued Carli and myself together in a beautiful bond, but it also butchered that bond when it slaughtered her.  During her last days, we cried while watching sad movies together and I read passages from my new Afrikaans2020 Bible to her.  We never got to read all of it and some of the colourful sticky tabs remain in there to this day.  Looking back now, I think that Carli would have loved watching The Chosen with me if we had known about it then.  She would have shared my disappointment upon learning that Season 5 will not be screened in Bloemfontein movie theatres.

Truth be told, I no longer want to try to imagine what it would be like to have Carli here for her 30th birthday.  Carli lives on the perfect side of eternity where her body, mind and spirit have been restored to its original perfection.  She does not age anymore.  Why would I want to imagine her being here with me waiting for months to see a human actor play Jesus for a few hours while she now spends eternity in the company of real, authentic Jesus?  I really, really would not!

Happy forever birthday, dearest beloved Carli! 

PS:  The 2015 pic of us was taken at a company costume party and the 2021 pic of us was taken at our AssieTribe Secret Santa Christmas Dinner one month before Carli passed away.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

FINALLY VAN ASWEGEN : BECOMING MR & MRS VAN ASWEGEN

Image
The seven-year-old slammed the car door so violently that he attracted the attention of even the unsuspecting pedestrian passers by in the road outside the gate.    They gawked in alarmed, stunned silence.    But the initial shock was soon replaced by expressions of distinct disapproval and even opiniated under-breath mumblings, sufficiently audible to the little ears of a little boy with a giant broken heart.    THAT LITTLE BRAT NEEDS A GOOD THUMPING!    People are programmed to be inconsiderate, insensitive and indifferent individuals.    At school, this boisterous little boy was relentlessly dismissed, mocked, bullied and berated and, deep inside him, it bred a bold belligerence to compensate for and protect his broken heart.    The young mom of four did not thump her son that day.    Instead, she took him to her bedroom where she minimised all the overbearing stimulation, put on his favourite music and allowed him...
Read more

I AM MOANA… IN POCAHONTAS

Image
This reflection is a letter addressed to my granddaughter, Emily Hay, who recently took part in POCAHONTAS2024 presented by  Elna van der Walt School of Ballet . To my dearest beloved Boo Thank you so very much for filling my heart to overflow with the delight of unconditional love and humble gratitude.    I am so proud of you for your beautiful ballet performance and I am so profoundly grateful to be your Nana.    In my eyes you were not only the prettiest butterfly, but the prettiest ballerina on stage.    This was also exactly what your  OumagrootjieMakkie  and  OumaDalene,  who travelled all the way from Ladysmith for the show, expressed to me afterwards.    I can only hope and pray that every ballerina in the show had at least one Nana/Granny/ Ouma / Oumagrootjie  in the audience feeling the same way about them as the three of us did about you.    You are only four years old and this performance was you...
Read more

ASSISTING THE DYING TO MAINTAIN DIGNITY IN DEATH

Image
Although I started out in Afrikaans, I decided to write this reflection in English to make it accessible to ALL of my faithful readers and beyond. In response to an invitation from Hospice Bloemfontein, I embraced the opportunity to attend a special event this past Sunday evening.    HOPE AND HEALING, a profoundly deep, open discussion on the topic of ASSISTED DEATH which was hosted by a local Bloemfontein Dutch Reformed Church,  Berg & Dal NG Gemeente .    As introduction, a 24-minute  Netwerk24  video documentary was screened.    It told the heartbreaking story of the last part of 63-year-old Carol de Swardt’s journey to her life’s final destination in Switzerland, where she was able to legally end her own life with the assistance of medical professionals.    Carol’s unspeakable suffering for an unbearably long time led her to this decision, undoubtedly the most difficult and important of her entire life.    Her hear...
Read more