DEAR DIARY…

Excerpts from the bittersweet diary entries (on 27 September, spanning 9 years) of a mother, mother-in-love and grandmother

27 September 2015:

Yesterday was a perfectly beautiful day for an afternoon wedding on Scottburgh’s beach on the KZN South Coast.  Although most of the morning was filled with intermittent, mild thundershowers, it had cleared completely well before 16:00.  Almost as if these showers were sent just to wash away all of the remaining murky pollution in the air.  It certainly set the stage for a bright, beautiful sunny afternoon and a breathtaking sunset to round off a perfect wedding day.  My handsome firstborn son, Daniel, married his beautiful beloved Carli.  Looking even more glamorous than the princes and princesses from the glossy pages of famous fairytales, their intentional decision to appear barefeet added a strikingly unmatched elegance to their unique beauty.  There is now another Mrs Van Aswegen in the AssieTribe, my precious petite daughter-in-love.  I am senior and she is junior.  

NOTE TO SELF:  Today the sweet ecstasy of the blessed expansion of my beloved AssieTribe by far outweighs the bitter agony of past pain.

27 September 2016:

Yesterday Daniel and Carli celebrated their very first wedding anniversary and it was a bittersweet experience.  It was beautifully sweet because the young groom and bride grew in their love for each other.  But it was also painfully bitter because of the shattered expectation of sharing that love with a little one of their own.  A missed September due birthdate caused a forever longing for a would-have-been firstborn-baby who died during a first trimester miscarriage earlier this year.  

NOTE TO SELF:  Today the sweet ecstasy of young love and renewed hope still outweighs the bitter agonising pain of loss, but by a much slimmer margin than last year.

27 September 2017:

Yesterday Daniel and Carli celebrated their second wedding anniversary, but in a heartbreaking turn of events earlier in the year, a painful part of recent history repeated itself which rendered a double-whammy-blow to the sweet beauty of the growing love between the young couple.  Yet another missed September due birthdate further exacerbated their original forever longing, this time for a would-have-been-second-born-baby who also died during another first trimester miscarriage earlier this year.  

NOTE TO SELF:  Today the bitter agonising pain of a double loss by far outweighs the sweet ecstasy of growing young love.

27 September 2018:

Yesterday Daniel and Carli celebrated their third wedding anniversary in the maternity ward of a local hospital and their hearts were filled with exuberant and joyful anticipation of their impending parenthood.  At 07:07 this morning they became the ecstatically overjoyed parents of a very special double rainbow baby, Micah Daniel van Aswegen, weighing in at a substantial 3.36kg.  Micah is the first AssieTribe member to take the Van Aswegen surname into the next generation and he is also the special little boy who facilitated our official promotion from Mom and Dad to Nana and OupaAssie.  

NOTE TO SELF:  Today the sweet ecstasy of new life and growing love by far outweighs the bitter agony of past pain and losses.

27 September 2019:

Yesterday Daniel and Carli celebrated their fourth wedding anniversary, and today family and friends gathered for a pool party to celebrate Micah’s first birthday at OumieHester’s house.  OupaAssie made a giant rocket ship smash cake for Micah, and although he was a little hesitant initially, he ended up having much fun destroying his cake.  

NOTE TO SELF:  Today the sweet ecstasy of the growing love of a thriving young family by far outweighs the bitter agony from past pain and losses.

27 September 2020:

Daniel and Carli celebrated their fifth wedding anniversary yesterday and today, we celebrated Micah’s second birthday at our house with family and friends.  There was a jumping castle and OupaAssie made a GummyBear cake this time.  Carli was diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer just 9 days ago, and although we were significantly grateful that she could be there with us, the future suddenly looked so grim and uncertain.  It appeared as if even two-year-old Micah was aware of some invisible threat as he did not smile in a single birthday picture.  Furthermore, as if a brain cancer diagnosis had not been devastating and life-threatening enough, the COVID19 pandemic was not only still actively raging across the globe, but it was gaining disturbing momentum in its war path of disrupting and eliminating human life.  

NOTE TO SELF:  Today the bitter agony of facing a double threat, either of which could likely take the young life of our beloved Carli—who has only just begun to come into her own—far outweighs the sweet ecstasy of the unconditional love of family.

27 September 2021:

Daniel and Carli celebrated their sixth wedding anniversary at home in our garden flat, their residence since December 2020.  Carli is now pretty much confined to her hospital bed and the date she and Daniel had on the first day of Spring, took a cruel toll on her fragile body.  However, today we pulled out all the stops to include Carli, her wheelchair and her oxygen machine at Micah’s favourite Spur for the celebration of his third birthday.  Family and friends joined us and, upon Micah’s request, I had a Blippi cake made by a professional bakery.

NOTE TO SELF:  Today I am overwhelmed by the bitter agony of feeling my beloved Carli’s pain and having had to watch her put up a brave face on the outside of her unrecognisably maimed body for the sake of Micah and Daniel, nearly killed me.  This by far outweighs the sweet ecstasy of Carli’s unwavering trust in me to take care of her little boy and husband.

27 September 2022:

Daniel and Carli would have celebrated their seventh wedding anniversary yesterday, but Daniel has been a widower ever since Carli passed away 8 months ago.  Today we celebrated Micah’s fourth birthday at his favourite Spur with friends and family.  I invited all his Geelklasmaatjies and he was so stoked to be taking all of his gifts home in a shopping trolley.  Micah requested an ocean-themed cake and I ordered it from the professional bakery.  Micah’s best friend, oom Charles, and his wife, tannie Carien, attended the Spur party.

NOTE TO SELF:  Today I am still so overwhelmed by the bitter agony of losing Carli earlier this year.  I found myself staring, in desolate grieving sorrow, at the very spot where her wheelchair stood last year.  Again this by far outweighs the sweet ecstasy of the unconditional love I have for my son and grandson and even the sweet ecstasy of the unconditional love of a community of faithful believers where I have found belonging.

27 September 2023:

Today we celebrated Micah’s fifth birthday at his favourite Spur with family and friends.  Again I invited all Micah’s Blouklasmaatjies, and again, he got to take home all of his gifts in a shopping trolley.  Micah requested another ocean-themed cake and I ordered it from our preferred professional bakery.  Micah’s best friend, oom Charles, and his wife, tannie Carien, came over to our house to deliver his birthday gift and then they spend time with him playing with his new toys.

NOTE TO SELF:  Today I feel seriously conflicted.  On the one hand, the bitter agony of missing my beloved Carli and the painful gigantic loss created by her passing which will manifest in all future celebratory events, rendered me a snot sobbing mess.  On the other hand, the sweet ecstasy of my unconditional love for Micah and Daniel, and their tremendous resilience in choosing to keep on living without Carli, as well as the unconditional love of a church family, fills my heart with grateful joy.  This year there is a tie between sweet ecstasy and bitter agony.

27 September 2024…is still 14 days into the future, but unlike all the other entries which looked back, I would like to end this reflection with looking to the tomorrows:

The plan is to celebrate Micah’s sixth birthday at his favourite Spur with family and friends.  I intend to, once again, invite all Micah’s Groenklasmaatjies and I will order a birthday cake of his choice from our preferred professional bakery.  Micah recently lost his very first baby tooth and three more teeth are close to becoming the treasure of the tooth-fairy-angel-mouse (my biological AssieTribe offspring could never make a definitive decision on whether to use fairy, angel or mouse, so we used all of it).  Micah has mastered two methods of tying his own shoe laces and loves grabbing any opportunity to show off his impressive skills.  During this showdown he will also eagerly relate the story about how his aunty Annie had to tie his daddy’s shoe laces until his daddy was in grade two and that aunty Annie is the younger sibling.  Micah has also mastered the skill of riding his bicycle without training wheels and he will be showing up for his very first day in grade one in just a few short months from now.  

NOTE TO SELF:  I am so aware of the sweet ecstasy of watching Carli’s little boy grow up into an awesome little man with a kind, gentle heart and a brilliant mind.  I am also so aware of the sweet ecstasy of appreciating the deep, unconditional love of Chanré.  Her love as partner for Daniel (new season of young love) and her choice to love and raise Micah as her own (new season of growing family love).  Furthermore, I am also so very aware of the sweet ecstasy of the unconditional love of a church family and the precious friendship between Carli’s little boy and his best friend, the man who guided Carli on her last spiritual journey.  And, of course, there will always be the bitter agony of gut-wrenching sorrow every time Carli is not there to witness Micah’s next milestone.  Life on our side of eternity is ALWAYS bittersweet, while it is ALWAYS sweet on Carli’s side.  We are the ones who need to find a working balance between bitter and sweet.